Something I am learning to manage in recovery is the fear of the future. My experiences of discomfort are largely accompanied by this fear of the unknown. For example: thoughts that my stomach is too big today end up spiraling into a vision of future me bulging out of stretch pants, with unwashed hair, a bag of chips in hand and am embarrassed 'you caught me' look in my eyes. Basically a self image that screams: OUT OF CONTROL.*
*My black and white thinking is telling me that an eating disorder serves me an acceptable self-image, whereas life without equals out of control. And quite frankly a level of unhealthy that is on the flip side of my lower weight equivalent. There is no in-between.
In sitting back and observing this illogical thinking I can later rationalize that I would never feel confident or comfortable without showering or wearing clean clothes as the vision shows. Therefore, this image of myself is false.
The same incorrect vision of sobriety plagued me in early recovery. "How will I ever have fun again?" I would think. In the first three months I repeatedly asked my boyfriend: "What about when we get married? Can I have a glass [bottle] of champagne on that day? I want to enjoy my special day!" If I couldn't have any alcohol, a wedding would be no fun at all in my fear of the future.
What I couldn't have predicted is that nearly 3 years into sobriety my mindset has shifted, and now to offer me a glass of champagne on my wedding day would be a punishment. I actually enjoy my clear mind and the trust that took a lot of time and effort to re-gain. To go back to that dark and scared place would be horrible. Not to be cliché, but hindsight is 20/20!
So how do I overcome these freak out moments? Staying in the present moment. Not letting the discomfort roll into unknown territory that is the future. As much as I like to know what the outcome will be I need to put blinders on and focus on what is real and now.
As with many aspects of recovery, this is much easier said than done. All I can say is that it comes with practice. Life itself is unpredictable, and learning to worry less about the butterfly effect my each and every action (or bite of food, lack of exercise...etc.) has is a process.
I won't promise that it is easy, but I can compare it to learning to ride a two-wheel bike. I am working so hard, focusing on staying present while also stressing about the discomfort of it all (nevermind daily life stressors) and all of a sudden I'm doing it! Behind me is myself who I thought was still holding onto the bike waving and shouting out "you're doing it!" I'm already in a marathon while I thought I was being held on to the entire time. My family, friends and medical supports are holding up signs and water encouraging me to keep going. I don't quite know when I started riding on my own, but I find myself successfully doing it.
The SMART Recovery tool: STOP Thought helps me to stop the recurring avalanche of negative and irrational worries I find myself in. You can find my Instagram reel explaining this tool here: CLICK HERE
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