Introducing ed: Disassociating my Disordered Qualities from Myself.

Let me introduce you to ed. ed is a long time frenemy whom I can't seem to get out of my life. she overstays her welcome, she is rude, but disguises this so well under the guise of friendship that I can't tell if she has good intentions for me, or bad ones.

When we eat together she comments on my choices, and the quantities of what I put in my body. Like a good friend, ed holds my hair when I habitually bend over because I ate too much. ed has a temper, and always wants to do things her way. she never shuts up, and I can't avoid her. It's easy to comply because for the most part she has held up to her side of our friendship agreement. Clearly I didn't read the fine print (who even reads the terms and conditions these days?), and I end up blaming myself for continuing to suffer in this relationship.

In recovery meetings I regularly check-in with how my week has been going as well as successes and challenges in recovery. I often write notes about my week and read them to the room of strangers so that I can avoid rambling or forgetting something I want to share. In cross-talk people that have never met me before say: "you are so hard on yourself!" This always knocks the breath out of me. I squeeze the sides of the chair and press my body against it’s back (strap me in and turn on the voltage because the anxiety is killing me). How can they tell?!

I am unaware of how visible my anxiety is to others. In a recent visit to a psychiatrist I took time to describe how overwhelming work is for me and what the stresses are. After describing the situation he took a deep breath and said: "Those thoughts you have that are so hard on yourself are your eating disorder."

WHAT?! I never thought that ed had a say in other aspects of my life. I was only aware of her influence and what started out as guidance regarding my physical appearance and what needed to be done to maintain it. Never did I think that it was ed screaming as I shook my head and called myself a "stupid girl" for something small like forgetting my cell phone upstairs.

The appointment ended with his helpful advice: "Start to notice these thoughts and identify them as the eating disorder. Eventually your voice will increase in volume."

DISARM is a tool we use in SMART Recovery, you can read about it: HERE as well as find a worksheet HERE. It can help us recognize an urge to behave destructively in response to a bout of anxiety. As I have come to learn in recovery: my addiction and my eating disorder have been coping mechanisms for overwhelming anxieties and emotions (ones that I have never been taught to properly meet). I am here to tell you that there are ways of replacing these unhelpful methods of coping with ones that will better fit our lives, and help us grow. They can make unexpected emotions and anxieties more manageable.

The dissociation of my eating disorder from myself is a process. It takes practice and present moment awareness. I don't always notice the thoughts in the moment; in fact, most of the time I find these instances of negative self-talk later on. Upon reflection,

I can identify these conversations not as messages I give to myself, but instead, my eating disorder's voice. To start, because as a person with an eating disorder and alcoholic tendencies I needed to first reflect with the idea that these negative thoughts could be the addictions. Maybe it really could be the eating disorder telling me I screwed up when I forgot to pick up that one thing at the store today.

A next step can be talking back in a sense. By telling the eating disorder that when it is saying these mean things to me it is not protecting me, but instead is looking to get something out of me. I am still early in this process and can't tell you what it is looking to get out of me other than preserving its existence. I won't give her any power or dignity with a capitalized name.

I don't have an image of ed, but I can tell you that she is all of the saved photos on my phone, iPad, and iPods over the years. She is the hours of scrapbooking "thinspiration" because her obsessions lived through me. She has taken over my body and has been controlling it for quite some time. She numbs my brain and any logic with whispers threatening: "if you don't you'll go back to THAT." I still shudder and relinquish when I think of the alternative. I can't go back to over-sized, bullied, alone, misunderstood, and extremely unhappy. To not being able to see my reflection in any capacity. To look down at my legs and hear my brother's friends shouting for everyone to hear: "EW YOUR LEGS!"

While I am not an expert on dissociation, I am finding that awareness through reflection has really been the key to helping me DISARM0 the voice of my eating disorder. I know that if I continue to do this, eventually my mindset will change, and my voice will be louder than ed's.

With practice, persistence, and patience as we say at SMART Recovery.

The appointment ended with his helpful advice: "Start to notice these thoughts and identify them as the eating disorder. Eventually your voice will increase in volume."

NOTE: This post tries to censor specifics in order to protect others. My eating disorder - much like the blob - grew bigger and more vicious the more it read and gained specifics from other books, movies, and sources. It glommed on to anything it could get and has used every crumb against me in it's times of desperation. As a writer, I have made a promise to myself that I would censor my writing as much as I could to prevent anybody else's eating disorders from gaining ammunition.