As I am in a hospital receiving inpatient treatment for the second time within a one year span I am coming to learn the virtue: patience. Patience with myself and my body as it changes. Patience in learning boundaries, and that I cannot control everything. Patience with my loved ones and supports as they are coming to realize that they will also need to have patience with this process.
I am frustrated with this process because as I get healthier, the new patients coming in are very much mentally and physically sicker. This triggers my body dysmorphia and I fall into a state of weepiness and anxiety. I start to isolate, nothing fits me anymore, and I turn on myself. I'm the first one I turn my back on. Which poses some questions:
Why don't I have my own back? Why don't I value myself?
Valuing myself is the only choice I have in my recovery. Yes, we have choices. But the thing about this choice, is that I can't just choose to love myself and poof! it comes true! I need to have patience with my body and the process. I have been harming it since early teenagerhood and in age I am a full-blown adult. I deserve to give my body and mind time to heal. Body neutrality is the goal. Accepting my body as it is without attaching judgement for it. Focusing on the energy I have and what I can do. There are many factors that identify me other than my body. My body is not my worth. Yes, I need to tell myself these things and read more about where I want to be in life (we are what we read as my mother likes to tell me).
I also have to mention the patience that my family and supports need to have with my recovery. Those who have been in recovery will know that just because a patient leaves a recovery center with a stamp of approval doesn't mean they are "cured." There is a lot - if not more - work ahead in the maintenance stage of recovery. This is where the training wheels come off and the onus is on the beholder. Families struggle to make this connection. "You're cured, the doctor let you out." is a false statement. The truth is that the doctor felt I was given all the help I could to stand on my own two feet and continue to move forward on my own.
This doesn't mean supports are no longer required. In fact, following treatment is when supports will need to be on full-time duty. Eventually the need for these supports will ebb and flow, but a person needs to learn how to take care of themselves and how they cope with life events.
I personally can only talk about maintenance in my recovery from alcohol addiction. It was rough. It took many tries. Eventually, I was able to get past the three-month mark and the rest was history. I still get thoughts of drinking, yet they aren't as strong as my will to live sober and strong. I was lucky that my supports stuck with me and even learned what they could to make my recovery better, yet ultimately it took my own will. I hold on to hope that this will be the case with my eating disorder. My goal is a good quality of life!
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